It's all in the eyes
by DrFeline
Summary: 7th year, James and Lily are head students. They have become tentative friends. Lily is starting to figure out she has feelings for James, but she is trying to fight those feelings. As a tragedy strikes, story of how they get through it and eventually become closer. One Shot.


As Lily took her place next to Alice in the Great Hall for dinner her eyes drifted down the table to rest on four boys who were stuffing food in their faces and laughing as if they were the only ones in the Hall. She shook her head in disapproval, but couldn't stop herself from looking over every now and then and wondering what they were talking about. As Alice droned on and on about Frank this and Frank that, Lily found it extremely hard to concentrate on what she was saying because her mind kept wandering to the four boys at the end of the table. Boy were they distracting, well one of them was. Maybe-

"Lily!"

"Mhhhmm," she tore her gaze away from the four boys and turned to look at Alice.

"Were you even listening to me?" she said with mock annoyance.

"Um, sorry," Lily replied with a guilty expression. Alice exhaled loudly and rolled her eyes, "daydreaming again? You might as well admit it, you fancy James Potter," she said with a smug look on her face. "You're practically drooling while you're staring at him."

Lily's face heated up and became a shade that rivaled her hair, "I do NOT fancy him, and I am most certainly not drooling over him," she said as she wiped at her chin. Alice just laughed and shook her head. As she turned her attention back to her dinner, Lily gave one more glance over at the boys, the Marauders they like to call themselves. Professor McGonagall had joined them and was speaking to James, wordlessly he got up and followed her out of the Hall.

"I wonder what trouble he got himself into now," she mumbled to no one in particular.

"What?" Alice turned to her.

"Nothing."

* * *

Twenty minutes later and James still hadn't reappeared, not that she was checking or anything. When Professor McGonagall came back in, without James, all three Marauders got up and ambushed her. She shared a few short words with them, and all of them paled visibly as they practically ran out of the Hall. Professor McGonagall looked after them with a sad, distant look on her face for a moment, then she quickly straightened up and walked towards the front of the Hall to take her place at the teachers table. Wonder what that was about, Lily pondered as she turned back to her dinner and to Alice who was animatedly talking about the next Hogsmeade trip.

* * *

The next morning the Great Hall seemed devoid of James, or any Marauder for that fact, aside from Peter who was hurriedly collecting food in a napkin and rushing out again. Odd. The boys are all so enthusiastic about food it seems unlikely they would miss breakfast.

"You're staring again."

"No I'm not, I'm just wondering where they are since they usually cause such a ruckus in the morning, the calm is quite nice for a change."

Alice just shook her head and went back to her breakfast.

None of the Marauders made an appearance that day during lessons, which wasn't completely uncommon since they would occasionally skip classes to pull a prank or just goof off. They were also a no show at dinner, which was odd because she hadn't seen them at lunch either.

After dinner Lily was sitting by the fire in the common room finishing her Charms essay, or trying to, before her rounds. Her mind was a bit preoccupied with her missing classmates. She looked over as she heard the portrait hole open, and lo and behold there they were - well two of them anyway. Sirius and Remus were coming in quickly with a suspicious bag and heading straight for the boys staircase.

"Remus," Lily called out before he could go up. Remus paused and turned around, spotting Lily he made his way over as Sirius waited by the bottom of the stairs.

"Where's Potter?" she demanded. "I haven't seen him all day and we have rounds in 15 minutes."

Remus glanced around nervously, "Um, Lily, I'm sorry. James can't do rounds tonight, he's busy. I am sorry, but can you find someone else to do them with?"

"Wha–"but he didn't even wait for her reply as he hurried up the stairs with Sirius and the bag that smelled like the roast they had for dinner.

* * *

The next morning while Lily was finishing her breakfast with Alice, the marauders came in. Lily walked right up to them, the others sat down as she looked at James, "Potter you need to take your head duties seriously, you can't slack off on patrols just to goof off. You left me in a tight spot, and I only had 15 minutes to find someone to fill in for you and Andrew Kirke was not happy either about the short notice." While she was talking she noticed that James looked terrible, he had distant, almost vacant eyes with dark circles under them. He seemed like a shell of a person.

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again," he said in a hollow, empty voice as he turned to sit down at the table. Confused Lily returned to Alice and her breakfast, but she continued to watch them. James didn't eat anything, Remus and Sirius were practically shoving food into his hands. He finally consented with a piece of toast, then got up and left the hall. Lily stood up as well telling Alice she'd see her in class and followed the marauders out.

"Remus!"

Remus turned around and noticed Lily walking towards them. He told the others to keep going and that he'd meet them at class. When Lily caught up to him she asked, "What's wrong with Potter? He seemed off during breakfast, and was not like himself at all."

Remus bit his lip and looked at the retreating backs of James, Sirius, and Peter. He sighed and looked back at Lily. "Look, James just lost his mother and he's just trying to cope."

Lily gasped and covered her mouth, eyes wide, "Oh Merlin, I had no idea. And I was completely horrible to him this morning." She paused looking over at their disappearing backs with a sad look on her face. "How is he?"

"I don't really know, he hasn't been talking much since he found out, not even to Sirius."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Just give him some space. We've been trying to help him but he hasn't opened up at all, he just needs time to process it."

However secrets don't stay as such for long in Hogwarts, so by the end of the day the whole school knew. Whether or not someone had let it slip was unclear to Lily, but one look at James and you could tell something was wrong.

* * *

Most of the time James just sits in class, quietly, taking notes occasionally but mostly just staring blankly ahead. You could tell the teachers wanted to yell at him to pay attention, but they generally just left him alone; partly because he wasn't disrupting their class with his pranks, but mostly because they pitied him. One time during Transfiguration James was staring out the window and when Professor McGonagall yelled, "Potter!" he turned and looked at her with a blank, dead face. Her face softened when her gaze rested on him. She said in a soft, almost soothing voice, "Try to pay attention Mr. Potter. Your Newts are coming up and this material is important."

James only nodded and looked forward staring off into space, not at all like he was paying attention. Professor McGonagall looked at him a second longer with a sad look on her face, shook her head slightly, then turned back to the class and continued with her lecture.

* * *

By the time Lily and James had rounds again, Lily had asked someone to cover for him. She was waiting in the common room when she heard footsteps coming down the boys' staircase. When she got up and turned to face them she said, "Thanks for filling in Rem–" she stopped when she saw James coming towards her. "Oh sorry, I thought you were Remus."

"Sorry to disappoint you. You ready?" James said in a flat voice.

"Oh, I already asked Remus to cover you."

"I'm fine. Ready?"

Lily stared at him a second longer before replying, "Yeah, let's go."

Their rounds were silent, and she didn't push him for conversation in the hopes he would open up to her in his own time, but he remained quiet and stoic throughout the night. This was their first round in which they had been silent, usually they had easy conversation about classes or their home life. It was never anything too deep or personal, they usually just compared muggle customs with wizards'.

She used to hate him, especially during their 6th year. He asked her out constantly, and they would always argue whenever they talked. They were never able to have a civil conversation, and their arguments usually turned into shouting matches - just seeing him got her blood boiling. Then he came back from summer holiday more mature, and it wasn't just his body that had filled out to become more muscular and lean, not that she noticed that or anything. He had deflated his head and hadn't asked her out once. In fact when they had their first head meeting he had apologized for being such a prat, assured her that he wasn't going to ask her out this year, and even asked if they could be friends. When she had found out that he was the other head student, she had almost lost it, ranting that Dumbledore was off his rocker for thinking Potter could take the responsibility seriously. Despite all that he had surprised her when they got back to school and continued to every time they worked together. She had begun to understand Dumbledore's decision, for James wore leadership well. Everyone looked up to him and he gave them strength, which is exactly what the students needed during these dark and troubling times. Personally she had begun to enjoy their rounds together and looked forward to getting to know him better, although she'd never admit that to anyone. She began to wonder if he had always been this way and she'd just been too blind to see it. It seemed like a waste that they didn't become friends earlier and wasted time shouting at each other over nothing.

They had become tentative friends since the beginning of this year, which is why she hoped he would open up to her and talk to her. But as they walked on in silence she realized that was silly. If he hadn't talked to Sirius yet, what chance did she have? She snuck a glance at him- he was facing forward walking along cloaked in darkness. As they kept walking the silence stretched out between them, but she didn't break it, not wanting to push him since everyone processes things differently. Since losing his mum he became very quiet and almost ghastly, and was taking a long time to open up to someone and ask for help. However, when he lost his dad his reaction was explosive. His dad was sick over Christmas holiday and barely a week into term he received the news that his dad had passed. With his jaw set and muscles tensed he stormed up to his dorm room and trashed it. You could hear things falling and being thrown from the common room as well as James yelling every obscenity he knew. People kept their distance for the rest of the day but once he got it out of his system he was fine. Of course he was still sad, but his dad was sick for a while so he had been mentally preparing himself for some time. Everyone that had witnessed both of his reactions agreed that showing no emotion was worse. It was frightening to see him so empty, like he had given up inside.

As they were nearing the end of their rounds, Lily snuck another glance at James. He was still facing forward with a blank face, gliding along in a ghost like fashion as if he wasn't there. She wasn't sure if he would have even been any help if they had come across a problem. The silence continued up to Gryffindor tower, through the portrait hole, and all the way to the dormitory staircases.

"Goodnight," Lily said to him.

Without turning to look at her James bid her, "Goodnight," his voice flat. He then proceeded to climb the boys' staircase slowly. Lily looked after him until she heard his dormitory door close. With a sigh she climbed the girls' staircase and got into her four poster bed. Yet sleep evaded her as she laid awake with worry over a bespectacled boy with messy hair.

* * *

Lily and Remus were huddled together, sitting by the fire in the common room at the end of the week discussing their joint problem - a bespectacled boy who seemed more dead than alive these days. The common room was filled with relaxed Gryffindor's joking around and having a good time. Sirius and Peter were sitting by the dormitory staircases playing wizard's chess.

"Lily, he just needs time to figure everything out."

"I know, it's just I really can't stand this anymore, I don't like James when he's depressed. Couldn't you guys plan a prank or something?"

"I never thought I'd see the day when Lily Evans like our pranks."

"Well I never really liked them when you did them, but now that you stopped I do miss the lightness and easiness it brought to the castle. And it's not even just the pranks, I never realized how much James affected the place, how much he brought cheer and happiness to the students just by being himself. His mood is infectious. And now that he's in such a sulking depression, he's cast a shadow over the whole castle, even the teachers can't escape it. It's like death and despair leak out of him and fills the room he's in–"

The noise in the common room vanished instantly as that very despair crawled into the students and settled in their bones. Lily looked up and saw James exiting the staircase leading up to the boys' dormitories.

"I'm going to put an end to this, I'm getting James back."

"Lily I don't think that's a good-"

But Lily didn't hear him, she was already walking up to James and stopped in the middle of the room facing him.

"James," she called sternly but not unkindly. The already quiet common room held their breath and turned to look at the pair. James gave no recognition or sign of happiness that she had called him 'James' rather than 'Potter' he just continued to stare at her with dead eyes and a blank face. Staring into those eyes which used to be full of life and mischief broke her heart a little bit. She took a breath and closed the distance between them. Wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into a hug she put her lips right next to his ear and whispered, "You need to let it out, if you keep all this despair inside you and don't let anyone in, you're going to explode. Please James, I can't bear to see you like this."

A few moments passed before something wet dripped on her shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. His silent tears turned into a quiet sob only she could hear as he buried his face in her hair. She could feel his body shaking as she rubbed slow circles on his back trying to sooth him. In some part of her conscious she was aware of everyone staring in shock at them, the marauders looking rather hopeful. Sirius had a slight wolfish grin on, but that didn't really matter. What mattered was that she was going to bring back the James that they all loved. That she loved.

After who knows how long, James stopped shaking and the sobs turned into sniffling. He let go of her and took a step back, a slight pink tinting his face as he gave her a small smile. She smiled back at him when she saw a small spark of life in his eyes. Grabbing his hand she pulled him over to the fire and sat down on the couch closest, pulling him down onto it as well. She softly pulled his shoulders down so that he had no choice but to lay down, and he tentatively placed his head on her lap, looking up at her with a questioning look. She just smiled at him and took off his glasses, and as she placed them on the table he stretched out his legs over the armrest of the couch, letting them dangle. She ran her fingertips over his forehead and down his cheeks as she hummed quietly. He just looked up at her with eyes that were melting, despair being replaced by love, and a small smile gracing his lips. She lightly traced over the bridge of his nose, and smiled as she felt the tension and stress brought on by wearing glasses all day release. Tentatively she ran her fingers through his hair, taking in his soft locks and reveling in how it felt in her hands. A soft sigh of contentment parted from James' lips as his eyes fluttered shut. After some time his breathing lightened, and she looked down at the innocent boy sleeping peacefully in her lap. A smile played across her lips as her eyes shone with love.


End file.
